Saturday morning thoughts
Good morning. May you find this brings you peace and joy, happiness and prosperity.
I've been alive 56 years in this body so far. Not much wrong with it, just a tiny bit of cancerous activity which I'm trying to starve, and a lot of autism-ADHD I'm coming to terms with quite late. I'm back on intermittent fasting and ketogenic eating, quite enjoying the results, and remaining ever hopeful of the apoptosis and autophagy required to eat up the cellular malfunctions. I don't expect to live forever; I'm just trying not to lose an organ if I can avoid it. Death doesn't scare me; living miserably obviously does.
I've become so sick and tired of the last few years filled with chronic fear of my death and suffering, from not knowing how this cancer will play out. I've had no enthusiasm for work, life, rest, anything... I have been dead while feeling barely alive. All in the mind, not so much any problems with the body.
I have turned increasingly to Buddhism, and sought refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha, ie. * i) the idea of self realisation and liberation from suffering, * ii) the teachings thereof, and * iii) fellowship with those also practicing this path. This has given me quite some courage to let go of my clinging to this little life and its temporary gains, which has been of immense help.
But a chance reading of some wise-looking words on Quora the other night [insert citation], while searching for how to not fear death, helped me contextualise my scared little lifetime in terms of a bigger picture. I've been able to put down some heavy mental baggage and walk a little more freely as a stardust citizen, less bound by the culturally imposed belief in a one-off mortal life.
It's fucking evident that my culture is shit poor when it comes to cheerful, light-hearted stories and myths about how we are here, how we live, and how we die. If only my folks had told me from the start that no matter how much love there exists in the world, we're only here for a brief look around.
Sure, be all you can be, love your heart out, fight evil, and try not to die... but don't cling, don't hoard what decays and costs rent, let go and live lightly, love fiercely, live and die well-educated and curious. That advice would have been preferable to my silently inheriting the invisible threads of multigenerational cPTSD, where the neuroses of our ancestors ring on in us like haunted bells.
Unless we square up to the issue and get help de-fusing those unexploded bombs of fear, loss, anger etc. inside us, we remain vulnerable to suffering. Choosing to start finding deep solutions to these issues is our duty, if you ask me.
Wishing you all eternal peace and liberation.